Crazy

Nowadays, the word crazy reflects everything from insane to spectacular. Crazy is a relative term and subject to interpretation. My mind is open, my heart is anxious, and my life is crazy.

Spring

The day is unpredictable. Irony, noise, movement. There is a homeless man lying on the ground in front a row of ATMs. The sun is shining, it's the first day of Spring. Uncertainty, electricity, conversation. A neon sign flashes "Tacos". A man darts through traffic on his bike, barely making the light before it turns red. Hope, growth, promises. People running to catch the bus, dragging suitcases behind them. Texting while walking, driving. No eye contact. A couple holding hands to cross the street. A big, burly guy walks into the cafe holding a motorcycle helmet with a faux mohawk. Uncensored, ever-changing, blissful. Earth is spinning. The day is constant. This moment is life.

Anything is Possible!

Anything is possible. Gabby Sidibe was unknown to most of us before the movie Precious. Precious was her film debut. Before then, she had attended several New York City colleges and worked a variety of office jobs before she got an audition for Precious through a director at one of the colleges she attended. She was busy being a college student and just trying to make it in New York. She skipped class for the audition and now this young spirit is recognized in the same category of women who have dreamed of being in movies since they could dream. Christoph Waltz a few years ago was a struggling actor in Germany who wasn't sure when he would land his next gig. Inglorious Basterds was his big break. And we never know when that break is going to come. For him, at the age of 53, he's got an award-winning performance,an Oscar,and his phone is ringing off the hook. Geoffrey Fletcher proudly thanked his family for many years of support, love and encouragement. He'd spent most of his adult life in temporary staff positions and writing his own films. And like most writers, hoping and dreaming that one day, one day! You could feel and hear the sincerity and gratitude in his voice. Amazed and shocked all at the same time. An adjunct film professor one day and an Oscar winning writer for adapting Push into a screenplay, the next day. Dreams do come true!

Some Days

There are those days when it would be easier, seemingly easier, to give up. You know, go through the motions, settle, and otherwise call it a day. I get that. I understand that. I fathom why people might do what they do. It takes much effort some days to move forward, take the high road and see the big picture. I can't hit fast-forward, pretend it never happened, or wish the day away. Because it's not in my soul to expect less.

It's like drugs

How did I get here? I slipped into it way too quickly. I kept repeating: if you know better, you do better. I just wasn't taking my own advice. Instead I was waking up thinking about him, waiting for his calls or text, and going to bed thinking about him. I found myself romanticizing our situation, trying to downplay the fact that he's marrying someone else, and wondering when we'll hang out again. I'm the one that usually dispenses the big sister advice. How and the hell did I end up on this side of things? I'm lying, hiding, and keeping a secret. He's a secret. I tried to resist. Who am I fooling...in the moment I didn't want to resist. It was like a drug - euphoric, sexy and controlling. My body, mind and heart craved him. I wanted to stop. I didn't. I fucked him. Then it got weird! Crazy! Fucked up! I went with him to pick out his tuxedo for his wedding. I can't do this shit!

To Want

I want the dream, not the fantasy. I want an amazing opportunity, not a job. I want what I want, and not what I think I need. I want it to bubble up to the surface, and spill over the top and flow. I want all my heart desires. It's about more than the white house and picket fence, kids, and a retirement plan. I want more.

Looking for Work

I'm not in the mood today to look for work. What's posted on Craig's List doesn't interest me. Composing another cover letter feels labor-intensive. And sitting in front of my laptop staring at my job alerts feels like Groundhog Day. I feel guilty about not wanting to look for work today. I've convinced myself that while I'm out of work, every minute of the day should be productive. I can't force it today nor fake my way through it. I just want a job already! No more looking. No more waiting. No more wondering if tomorrow I'll get that call.