Some Days

There are those days when it would be easier, seemingly easier, to give up. You know, go through the motions, settle, and otherwise call it a day. I get that. I understand that. I fathom why people might do what they do. It takes much effort some days to move forward, take the high road and see the big picture. I can't hit fast-forward, pretend it never happened, or wish the day away. Because it's not in my soul to expect less.

It's like drugs

How did I get here? I slipped into it way too quickly. I kept repeating: if you know better, you do better. I just wasn't taking my own advice. Instead I was waking up thinking about him, waiting for his calls or text, and going to bed thinking about him. I found myself romanticizing our situation, trying to downplay the fact that he's marrying someone else, and wondering when we'll hang out again. I'm the one that usually dispenses the big sister advice. How and the hell did I end up on this side of things? I'm lying, hiding, and keeping a secret. He's a secret. I tried to resist. Who am I fooling...in the moment I didn't want to resist. It was like a drug - euphoric, sexy and controlling. My body, mind and heart craved him. I wanted to stop. I didn't. I fucked him. Then it got weird! Crazy! Fucked up! I went with him to pick out his tuxedo for his wedding. I can't do this shit!

To Want

I want the dream, not the fantasy. I want an amazing opportunity, not a job. I want what I want, and not what I think I need. I want it to bubble up to the surface, and spill over the top and flow. I want all my heart desires. It's about more than the white house and picket fence, kids, and a retirement plan. I want more.

Looking for Work

I'm not in the mood today to look for work. What's posted on Craig's List doesn't interest me. Composing another cover letter feels labor-intensive. And sitting in front of my laptop staring at my job alerts feels like Groundhog Day. I feel guilty about not wanting to look for work today. I've convinced myself that while I'm out of work, every minute of the day should be productive. I can't force it today nor fake my way through it. I just want a job already! No more looking. No more waiting. No more wondering if tomorrow I'll get that call.