It's like drugs

How did I get here? I slipped into it way too quickly. I kept repeating: if you know better, you do better. I just wasn't taking my own advice. Instead I was waking up thinking about him, waiting for his calls or text, and going to bed thinking about him. I found myself romanticizing our situation, trying to downplay the fact that he's marrying someone else, and wondering when we'll hang out again. I'm the one that usually dispenses the big sister advice. How and the hell did I end up on this side of things? I'm lying, hiding, and keeping a secret. He's a secret. I tried to resist. Who am I fooling...in the moment I didn't want to resist. It was like a drug - euphoric, sexy and controlling. My body, mind and heart craved him. I wanted to stop. I didn't. I fucked him. Then it got weird! Crazy! Fucked up! I went with him to pick out his tuxedo for his wedding. I can't do this shit!